What follows is something that did not begin as a plan, but as a stirring. It came after reading The Kingdom Is Within - Thy Echoes of Eden. I have a deep appreciation for the author’s writing and for the journey she and so many of us are on. I say “appreciation” with a touch of irony, because I, too, am a veteran of the long journey to peace.
I originally thought I might write a gentle, reflective piece, something in the spirit of Porchlight Conversations, touching on loneliness, self-worth, and the quiet battles we all fight. But when I finally sat down to write, something else came out instead. Short, staccato lines. An eruption of healing. This doesn’t happen to me often, but this was one of those times.
What follows is raw and unvarnished, born out of my own journey to freedom over a decade ago even though it is written in first person present tense. I don’t know if some would call this poetry. I don’t know anything about poetry. I only know what this is to me: the inside coming out.
Remembering my own troubles
Sin, depression, angst, agony
But never giving up hope
Because I had One to hope inBut I had to do the work
It wasn’t a get out of jail free cardThe work is brutal
Serious self-analysis, questioning everything
Opinions do not matter, only evidence
Test and prove the evidence
Soul searching, soul judging
Believing there is a reason to battle that is worth the battleWhat was meant to be?
New images of self begin to emerge
Tentative steps, testing, hope grows
Facing the big ones in faith
Knowing that sometimes the facts just don’t matter
Belief, faith, and faithfulness to the new - these matterPlumb the depths of agony
Explore the deep darkness and pain
Find the demons that hide in these
Reject them, renounce them
Declare victory to their face
In The NameThen comes deeper understanding
Deeper hopeReality is not what I have believed
There is a path
There is a future
There is a wayStripping down to the marrow
Remaking in the image that lives in the Creator’s heartYes, I have broken His heart
But He is still there
Waiting
I just need to show up
Broken and contrite
Convicted, confessing, repenting
Ready to do the work
Always, more workWilling to fight for myself
Even when that means fighting with myself
Do not be afraid to fight those fights
Fight to win, not to surrender to the darkness
Surrender to the LightAnd when He comes
I find He never left
He has been there all the time
Through it all
Waiting quietly inside
A sign of His love
If ever there was oneWhen I have been against me
He has been for me
AlwaysBe willing to fight
Be willing to surrender
Be willing to be made new
Be willing to survive
Be willing to succeed
At life, love, and happinessYes, even these are possible
They are the reality of my dreamsBelieve in the dreams
Believe in their Author
Believe in your Creator
Believe in myselfShow the world
What victory looks like
Lift praise to His glorious NameThis is the truth evil does not want you to know
Out of deep troubles comes deep Truth
Truth that is unshakeable, unmovable
Truth as solid as eternityAnd the truth is the Light
There, no darkness can abide
Shalom
If you’re walking through deep waters right now, know you’re not alone. Leave a comment or simply sit with this for a while—and keep going.
That was beautifully written!,reality is also not what I too have believed it to be. I really relate to the continued convicting and repenting,unlearning all of what I thought reality,religion,church and self to be!to put it all down and turn to Christ. That was such a truthful heartfelt inner depth. Thank you Ken very inspiring!.